Ask Marigold: a Sad Goose Advice Column

by Dr.**** Marigold Smiggs

From our acclaimed psychological consultant, "Dr." Marigold Smiggs, comes a new series where she cures what ails you with wit, wisdom, and the kind of grace that makes readers say, "Marigold makes me feel seen. My life is a clay pigeon in her crosshairs. I'm afraid of her."

Dear Marigold,
What the fuck even, you know?

Sincerely,
?????

Dear Five Question Marks,

I feel your distress as every day society seems to be pushing itself closer and closer to a precipice of self destruction. The nearer we come to societal collapse through endless human suffering, fruitless fights against systematic oppression, soulless capitalistic greed, government corruption, rampant ignorance, and rife hatred, all coming to a head during a deadly global pandemic, it becomes increasingly difficult to find meaning and motivation in this increasingly hopeless world. But take heart my friend; do not lose total faith. Now is the time to give and take small moments: enjoy a walk in weather that is still slightly too cold, buy (or make) a cozy drink to deliver to a friend, share a kind smile with a passing stranger, take a day off from your obligations, support a friend’s small business, note how the sunlight creeps through your blinds early in the morning (maybe even snap a picture), put on a cute outfit even if just to wear to your own living room, check in on an old friend, light a candle while you work, look through old photos of good moments and allow yourself to fall into the nostalgia. Find little moments to take in the good energy from the universe and send your own good energy back out. Make peace with these little moments and allow them to be enough for now.

Stay hopeful,
Marigold

Dear Marigold,

I've got this really good friend who I love dearly, but they say the strangest shit sometimes. I'm just not sure how to respond when they look me dead in the eyes and say "oh worm." What should I do?

Yours,
Lumbricina

Dear Lumbricina,

Perhaps you should stop indulging in mind-altering substances and trying to talk to birds. 

Best,
Marigold

Dear Marigold,

My sister in law visits my husband and I two or three times a week to play elaborate, architecture-themed board games which she designs as a hobby. These visits are almost always unannounced. I try to respect my husband's love for his sister and her desire to share her passion with us, but recently whenever I have attempted to excuse myself from these gaming sessions, she has become irrationally insistent that I continue playing. On one such occasion, she followed me into our bedroom while I was attempting to work and asked me, over my attempts to explain that I was busy, a series of complicated and increasingly personal questions about Art Deco. This is not only socially exhausting, but it also interferes with my evening work as a freelance copy editor.
My husband says I'm overreacting, and has repeatedly and aggressively sung the lyrics of the Spice Girls' 1996 hit "Wannabe" at me whenever I try to tell him how difficult it is to cope with his sister's behavior.
I think my marriage is going to end unless you can help me out here.

Harried in Houston

Dear Harry,

It seems you find yourself in a bit of a conundrum here, but alas I have a foolproof solution for you. Quite simply you need to beat your sister-in-law at her own games. Literally. I suggest the Avery Index to Architectural Periodicals as a good place to begin your research. It may also be in your interest to seek out architectural magazines to copy edit for. As you become increasingly better at these games and eventually your SIL will begin to feel self-conscious about bringing these games over. Her first instinctual action will likely be to up the difficulty of her games, but don’t back down! Eventually, you will start to break her down as she will become increasingly uncomfortable with the humiliating defeats and will slowly begin to back down on her visits. At this point, there is a crucial move you need to make: start inviting her to play. This will up the intimidation factor and instill in her that you have a subtle bloodlust for victory that she will not want to deal with. Over time, she will begin to find more and more excuses to visit less and less often. Now you look like a caring spouse who has made earnest efforts to engage with your SIL’s passions and she looks like a sore loser and poor in-law. Volia! Marriage saved!

Happy researching,
Marigold

Dear Marigold,

Come back. I miss you. The kids miss you. I can’t do this alone.

Dear [redacted],

Please stop contacting me at work. And stop referring to your tamed field mice as “kids.”

Disrespectfully,
Marigold

***For legal reasons, we must disclose that Marigold Smiggs does not have a PhD from a university with accreditation from any recognized accrediting body.