Sad Goose Investigative Series: Wings or Wheels?

by Lore Andreassen

The animal kingdom is a veritable endless expanse of possibility, folding in upon itself over the generations and spilling out in maddening, beautiful, and altogether breathtaking ways. However, despite being plagued by the pervasive thought throughout history - humankind has never succeeded in rendering a definitive answer to the most pressing question that philosophers from Aristotle Stagiritis to Shahab al-Din Yahya ibn Habash Suhrawardi to the irreproachable Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel (dear friend of Pigeon-Kin Hauge):

Would this animal be best improved upon with Wings or with Wheels?

And with the ever increasing realities of genetic engineering, it feels more pressing than ever to offer a definitive guide answering this question which has driven countless millions of humans to madness in the wee hours of the morning.
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Please be assured that these are not subjective speculations, but instead the result of countless hours of data analysis, tireless philosophical and theological debate, rhetorical analysis of life-as-truth, and countless casualties. So, these results are beyond reproach.

Thank you.

Without further ado:

1. Ambystoma mexicanum
​ “Axolotl”

2. Tardigrada
“Tardigrades” Or “Water Bears”

3. Harpia harpyja
“Harpy Eagle”

4. Tachyglossidae
“Echidna”

5. Pholidota
​ “Pangolin”

6. Litocranius walleri
​ “The Gerenuk”