The REAL Seven Themes of Renaissance Art

written and compiled by Elle Olson

If you’re like me and you’ve taken a few too many undergrad courses in art history, you may think you know a thing or two about Renaissance art. Your professors may have told you that there are seven major characteristics of art during the Renaissance. Ideas like Humanism, naturalism, perspective, and a tentative new interest in *gasp* non-religious themes made their debut during this time and apparently changed the evolution of art forever.
​Now, forget all that other smarty-pants nonsense. Below are the ACTUAL seven themes and characteristics of Renaissance artwork that you WON’T learn in school, complete with photographic evidence.

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1. Bad Animals

For an artistic climate that put so much emphasis on naturalism, I don’t think these people had ever laid eyes on a dog. Or a cow. Or a sheep. Or a cat. Or a bird. Or-you get the picture. Though maybe life really does imitate art. But then again, I sure hope not.

2. The Annunciation

The Annunciation is the title given to the biblical event of Mary being informed of her future as the Mother of Christ. (REAL!! immaculate conception NOT CLICKBAIT!!!) Why these European men were so into painting a young woman being told by angelic strangers that she’s about to be a pregnant virgin is something that has puzzled me for millennia. Now, the answer can elude you as well.

3. The Christ Child (?)

Chronologically, this one makes the most sense to be next. We’ve already seen the high-effort vlog of a pregnancy test so why do we also have to witness the unsettling visage of the progeny from such divine intervention? I don’t have the answer to this either, I’m just as confused as all of you. Please stop showing me beefy, ugly, godly babies.

4. Pietàs

This one is just cruel. Renaissance artists really just said they were gonna put this mother’s grief on display and by golly, they were gonna capitalize on it. The Madonna is shown in varying degrees of anguish, but regardless of how sad she looks or doesn’t look, maybe we should’ve left these in the drafts, huh guys? Out of respect? No? Okay sure.

5. Graphic Depictions of the Plague

On the broader scope of the Renaissance obsession with tragedy, these kooky little dudes sure painted a lot of scenes of horrific illnesses ravaging humanity. I guess when over half the European population fell victim to the Black Death, society doesn’t really have a choice.

 6. Nakey Venus !

​Did you ever wanna see the human iconography for love and beauty without any clothes on? Well, you’re in luck! Renaissance artists loved to paint the Goddess of Love, Venus, adorned in nothing but her heavenly birthday suit. Some artists more than others (*cough* I’m looking at you, Titian *cough*cough*)

7. Feet Pics

​This one hardly needs an explanation. Feet pics have been a staple of the human condition for as long as we have been making art. However, due to the nature of today’s economy, I’m not even really sure I should show these next examples without charging the viewer a fee first. No free feet pics and whatnot.

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There you have it. The seven characteristics of Renaissance art, summarized and compiled for your convenience. Don’t you feel more culturally learned already? I mean really, who needs Academia when you can find real, true, correct information from us here at Sad Goose instead? You now have priceless, meaningful art knowledge locked away in your lil noggin, all without paying a dime. Go bring up f***ing Titian to make yourself seem sophisticated at opera dinner parties and the like so that you- hold on, I lied, I’ve been informed by a disembodied whisper that it’ll cost you $8,425. Feel free to wire the funds to my venmo @[REDACTED. Anyway, thanks so much, tootles!