Category: Investigative Series - Sad Goose Cooperative

Inappropriate Pies

11/19/2022

written by Clair Willden

Has your family asked you to be in charge of dessert this year? Are you looking to spice up your family gatherings with some new and fresh pie flavors? Well here at Sad Goose, we came up with the least appropriate pies imaginable to make your family meal shine. Think of grandma’s face when you bring THESE pies around!

The REAL Seven Themes of Renaissance Art

3/10/2022

written and compiled by Elle Olson

If you’re like me and you’ve taken a few too many undergrad courses in art history, you may think you know a thing or two about Renaissance art. Your professors may have told you that there are seven major characteristics of art during the Renaissance. Ideas like Humanism, naturalism, perspective, and a tentative new interest in *gasp* non-religious themes made their debut during this time and apparently changed the evolution of art forever.
Now, forget all that other smarty-pants nonsense. Below are the ACTUAL seven themes and characteristics of Renaissance artwork that you WON’T learn in school, complete with photographic evidence.

How To: Survive the SuperBowl When You Don't Know Shit About Football

2/12/2022

written by Vanessa Rickertsen

So you’ve been invited (or perhaps are being dragged along as a plus one) to a Superbowl party but don’t know a damn thing about football. While you may be tempted to pull out a flimsy excuse not to attend, Superbowl parties are quite frankly some of the most enjoyable social events I have ever been to and rarely cease to provide you with some level of entertainment. While these parties may vary in caliber and flavor, I have compiled a list of ways to make the most of a Superbowl party if you don’t understand the mainstage event. In this article, I provide both tips for both surviving and highlighting the various spectacles provided at Superbowl parties!

Charting Movie Horniness and Levels of Evil

1/31/2022

compiled by Clair Willden with help from all the Migratory Contributors

Part of our investigative series has included looking into the nature of different popular films. Many have asked the question: Is it possible for a film to have good vibes if it's horny? and, as a follow-up, Is it possible for a film that is chaste to be evil?

Well, we've investigated and are happy to present to you our findings. Here is the definitive charting of films based on two factors: good/evil vibes and horny/chaste energy. Mouse over each point to see the film and justification for its placement.

Investigative Series: Which Crab Porn Would You Enjoy?

11/16/2021

by Elle Olson and Clair Willden

As part of our ongoing Investigative Series, Sad Goose writers Elle Olson and Clair Willden have compiled the definitive way to decide which piece of Crab Pornography you'll enjoy based on your personal characteristics.

Read the graphic like this: the first two categories give you the title of the porn you'll like best. The last two categories tell you the name of the pornstar headlining the show. Clair's is Crustacean Situation starring noted Crab Porn actor Coastal Kelp. Elle's is Brackish Xtreme starring the darling of the Crab Porn industry, Squilla Loch.

See the full graphic below the cut!

Sad Goose Investigative Series: Gender

9/19/2021

Even Joe Biden knows there are at least three genders, but only Sad Goose Cooperative is brave enough to reveal what they actually are. These genders were exhaustively researched and compiled by Luke.

Read the gender chart like this: choose which gender you feel most akin to. The blue arrow points toward a gender to which you aspire. The red arrow points toward a gender you repress. For example, someone with a Cowboy gender aspires to be a Local Milk Person and represses their Cat Ears inclinations.

Sad Goose Investigative Series: Every Important State Ranked

7/1/2021

by Clair Willden

It's impossible to deny that some states simply matter more than others. Here, for the first time with the definitive ranking of the only states anybody cares about, is Sad Goose Editor Clair Willden. Clair has travelled the country to get pictures of each location and painstakingly record just what makes these states the important ones.

Sad Goose Investigative Series: Wings or Wheels?

6/1/2021

by Lore Andreassen

The animal kingdom is a veritable endless expanse of possibility, folding in upon itself over the generations and spilling out in maddening, beautiful, and altogether breathtaking ways. However, despite being plagued by the pervasive thought throughout history - humankind has never succeeded in rendering a definitive answer to the most pressing question that philosophers from Aristotle Stagiritis to Shahab al-Din Yahya ibn Habash Suhrawardi to the irreproachable Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel (dear friend of Pigeon-Kin Hauge):

Would this animal be best improved upon with Wings or with Wheels?

Halloweek Day 4: Sad Goose's Top 5 Most Haunted Dairy Products

10/28/2020

by Luke Hauge, Lore Andreassen, and Clair Willden

On our fourth day of Halloweek, the Sad Goose editorial team collaborated with Emissary of Spook: Lore Andreassen (other titles on request) to present our definitive, peer-reviewed list of the most haunted common dairy products. You wouldn’t believe what we went through to create this list, but it’s 100% the case that we made Clair put their whole hand in every single dairy product mentioned on this list. Check entry #3 if you’re curious about why Clair’s right hand is just bones now.

We’ve compiled our findings below!