Every year, journalists and other writers on the web trip over themselves to write listicle after listicle about the perfect Valentine’s gift to get your lover. I’m not interested in that. I’m good at getting gifts for my lovers.  The true gift-giving conundrum comes in the form of my enemies. How do I let my foes, my truly enraging, my most deeply despised, my least beloveds know the depth of my loathing?

Fear not! What follows is a list of Valentine’s gifts to let those people know exactly what their place is in your life.

It's impossible to deny that some states simply matter more than others. Here, for the first time with the definitive ranking of the only states anybody cares about, is Sad Goose Editor Clair Willden. Clair has travelled the country to get pictures of each location and painstakingly record just what makes these states the important ones.